If you're married or almost married, there is a term that you need to know: disengagement. It is the opposite of engagement. A couple is married, but they are growing apart. They have no romantic relationship and their emotional ties are weak, almost ready to break. It occurs in a marriage when persistent problems and difficulties cause one or both partners to withdraw-often to the point of separation or divorce.

Why does disengagement happen?  Could it be that these couples are not giving their "all" to the relationship? What are your views?

 I think it happens because both spouses aren't doing their part anymore.  Maybe they've gotten too used to the other person and what they have to say so they stop listening when they talk.  Or maybe they stop looking for things to do together they'll both enjoy, causing one of them to "tag along" while the other does what they like, having a bad time.

Marriage is work.  Both people have to be active participants or it's not going to be much of a marriage, in my opinion.

It can be very difficult to maintain an emotional connection when the relationship is constantly beset by problems.  I just went through similar times with my partner.  There were severe issues with one of my children who has mental health issues as well as some issues with my partner's family.  We came close to calling it quits - I was even looking for a place to move.  Finally, we talked and one thing we thought about was did we want it to work out.  Once we agreed that we did want things to work out, even though we were concerned that it was too late, we have been getting along much better because we agreed to work at it before giving up.

Communication and compromise are essential in any healthy relationship. Too many couples sink to unemotional levels for lack of these two vital factors - I was in a relationship that suffered from these things. We went to counseling and learned to increase honest communication as well as learning to find a point of compromise rather than pursue just the things that one or the other person wants. Things really improved after this.

I think all too often people "give up and give in" and that results in a failed marriage. Everyone says that marriage is work and that is exactly 100% true. Marriage is two people working together as co-workers to acheive the same goal -- happiness in their marriage. Communicating is key and that cannot be stressed enough!

After 10 years of marriage, everyone thought we had the perfect marriage because he didn't go out drinking every night and he is a good father but no one knew how much I felt taken for granted. It was only because I said I was thinking of leaving that he finally talked to me properly and made an effort to show me how much I really meant to him. Communication is everything and at last we are making it work, together.

 There may be other causes of this too. For instance a growing violence in a partner, which is what I experienced. I tried, I did, and the love really did remain for a long time. But one can only face fists so many times before you realise that you HAVE to disengage, so that you can leave a dangerous situation.

 I agree that there are times when you have to disengage from your spouse for your own safety - both physically and mentally.  My husband and I have been together for nearly 11 years (married for 8) and we just went through this in a major way.

I won't go into all the details, but things were just bad for me mentally in the marriage.  Over the summer, I finally told him I wanted a divorce because I couldn't do it anymore.  I felt like I was slowly dying on the inside.  He couldn't handle it and completely fell apart after he moved out and ended up at a psychiatric care facility.

Turns out, he was an undiagnosed manic depressive with severe depressive tendencies and had been for the last 15 years.  Now that he's medicated...I just can't tell you the difference it's made.  He's like a different person.  Things are better than they've ever been or than I ever thought possible.

It's odd to think things wouldn't be this happy now if I hadn't disengaged from the marriage.  I guess it can be a good thing in some cases.

Couples become disengaged for a number of reasons, but the most disturbing one is thinking they made the wrong choice. If the couple is not growing as a result of their union, the relationship can get stagnant and disengagement will seem attractive. The disengaging partner will establish a variety of arguments to neutralize his/her guilt feelings and to justify disengagement.

Couples who want strong and growing relationships should decide that nothing or anyone will distract or disengage them from each other. They must establish guidelines for working together and they should not omit a plan for dealing with future disputes.